Superman is driven. He has ideas of what he wants to do, and already reaching out. He’s a stellar student and amazing person. My older brother got kicked out of his college twice and is now going to a local school and going to get his Associate’s degree end of this year. He’s planning on transferring to either a school minutes away from where I will be (with almost a full ride) or applying to Yale and seeing if he gets in. My younger brother is excelling at his freshman year and socially doing well. My older sister is blossoming at Disney and becoming such a strong person.
I know I’m trying not to do this, but what do I have? All of these insecurities are bubbling up. I’m trying not to, but every time I get in a rut, I know I can try and get out of it, but I’m scared. I’m flat up jealous of all of them. They’re all peaking. And what am I doing? Sitting on my bed writing about it and listening to music. I tried cleaning up my room today and doing loads of laundry, but my dad decided he would also do a lot of laundry and call up one of his friends to fix my light. The visit is going to be in a little bit so I had to throw all of my stuff in the closet and close the door. It kind of contradicts the whole purpose of today- I was even looking forward to it!
My family disapproves of the idea of me having a boyfriend (hence why I haven’t told them), my grades are a bit better but not by much, I can’t get a couple parts of my solo down, I’ve been having nightmares nightly (different but some have the same theme), and nor have I been sleeping well. I’m a wee bit of a mess right now, but I’m trying. Superman had a banquet tonight for the fire dept. and asked me last week if I would come with. He needed to know so he could rsvp, and when I asked my mom she said flat out no. I didn’t try and ask why, and felt so bad when I had to tell him. Sure, he was sweet about it, but still. Jared’s the center of attention now that he’s back home.
I guess all in all I’m just jealous. I’m jealous of how everyone else is doing so well, and I’m not. I also feel extremely guilty for wishing that I was doing as well as them. I feel almost as if I’m more upset that I’m jealous than actually being jealous. I’m just waiting for things to fall into place. Getting up and going through the motions instead of actually being consciously there.