Little Negative Thoughts

We were talking again this morning (Superman and I) and joking around. It quickly turned serious when I agreed saying something would be much easier and I wouldn’t have to worry about others and I could pretend that I had him all to myself. He responded with something that warmed my heart. He said that I “don’t have to worry baby. I wouldn’t be with you if I wanted “others”. Those “others” aren’t like you, there ain’t another you out there Caroline J You’re not just another girl to me.”

He’s an amazing guy who could have just about any girl. He chose me, and continue to do so. He loves who I am. I’m still struggling a bit to see what he sees. Especially when he is so him. I don’t think he realizes that I still cut myself sometimes. I’ve been better about it. At night when it gets bad, I tell myself to wait until the morning and go from there. If I still have the temptation then, then I can cut. This has happened a couple times- just small dashes on the inside of my wrist that’s difficult to see.

I’m scared he’ll leave me because I’m not special or anything and everyone usually leaves me. I don’t want to sound clingy, but I really really like him and don’t want him to go. We were talking yesterday, and he said several times that he doesn’t want me to go anywhere.

Where am I in life right now?

Right now, I’m working on being happy. I’ve had a couple nightmares and thoughts about Superman cheating on me. I haven’t brought it up with him; I highly doubt he would cheat on me. Gabbi was talking about how Paris was sleeping with someone else most of the time while they were dating, and I’m a bit worried Superman is doing that right now. Mostly because they’re both firemen. It’s a bit nonsensical.

Our two month was today. I sent him a good morning text and a Snapchat saying Happy Two Month! He sent one back saying the same. I went out to lunch with my Grandparents and then came home. Shortly after, he called and we talked for a little over an hour. He isn’t the kind of person who would ever cheat on someone. He tells them straight up how it is. A couple of his friends wanted to hang out with him earlier but he told them all no. He told me how he just wanted to lay down and relax without anyone bothering him. I asked him why was he talking to me then and he said because he wanted to. He really is a sweet guy. I just have to stop my insecurities from ruining us.

What else is there?

Virginia Beach was an amazing experience and very humbling. I am super pleased that we performed for the Veterans at the VA instead of participating in the competition at Busch Gardens. Our school used to participate in a bunch of competitions, but we started winning so much that they started charging us more and more and then our directors decided not to anymore. NYSSMA is enough for me.

I’m not going to George Mason. They weren’t offering me any aid and for the amount they wanted, I realized that there are many options that are more viable and better for the time being. They’re still an amazing school and have many amazing opportunities. I, instead, am going to FLCC which is an amazing two-year school right down the road. Superman and several friends of mine are also going. I’m most worried that my social skills will suffer. I’m big into the whole social scene and my parents don’t often allow me to invite friends over.

My grades aren’t that stellar this marking period. Personally? I’m not too to upset. I’ve been accepted and will still receive credit for all of my classes. I was talking to one of my friends in my Chem class and he said to me that I could be doing so much better if I wanted to. He’s right. I do want to do better- I want to show everyone that I pull out miracles. I already do, but pulling off a perfect fourth quarter would be so cool!

As you can see from an earlier post (if you want to look and see), my toe is still shattered. I’m over it. I’m cool with my younger brother, and I’m almost there with my older brother. I officially don’t need the crutches. I’m very excited about that!

Cantabile y Presto

This piece is by Georges Enesco. I found it in the filing cabinets that have a bunch of flute music a couple days ago. It’s going to be my new piece I’m going to learn/master. The adjudicator absolutely loved my Clarke piece. He was full of praise and it really put a smile on my face and reaffirmed that music is a big part of my life.

Superman and I

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He’s even wearing a Superman shirt! Monica took this picture after school yesterday outside the band locker room. I had to take a test and wait for my mom to pick me up and he had to make up a gym class nineth so it worked out well. Yes those are tights on and no my dress isn’t that low cut. It’s just looks like a lot is showing because of my tan. Like the crutches? He was playing with them and held them while Monica took the picture.

My Foot Is……. Broken?

Hold the phone. What? Yeah, my foot is broken. Jeff pushed me and I fell on it and split the bone down the middle Monday night. They also had my phone and when I tried IM’ing my Mom from my email on my computer, they turned off the Wi-Fi. I missed Tuesday, Thursday, skipped Math Wednesday and Friday, and skipped English Friday to rest my foot and take a nap. I haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep all week and it’s really taking a toll.

Not going to lie, I’ve spent most of the week in tears, anger, and confusion. How could my brothers do such a thing? How could they behave in such a manner? I still don’t know. I’m still confused, and bitter. I still want to just sit and watch a movie on my bed and cry.

I played my solo today at NYSSMA. I tried to communicate everything with it. I think the adjudicator got it, but I do feel better. I put my soul on display. It paid off. He loved it, and was immensely impressed.

I’m doing better.