I can't.

I know I’m getting fat again. I tone up in the summer, and gain it all back plus more winter and spring. I know I’m fat. I know that all my friends are size 1-6.

I went to school Monday for a little bit and had to wait for my mom to get out of work to pick me up. Golly I felt like shit. I went to school today again for the whole day and I still felt like shit. I came home and ate. Felt like even more shit. I could cut myself. But that would mean the last week or so would be wasted. Time has been one long blur. Last week, the week before, the week before, and this week. I can’t tell you what happened. I have to make up a math test tomorrow, stay after and make up my Bio class, go somewhere structured after while waiting for the bus/a ride to do homework since clearly I can’t be trusted to do it on my own. I’ve been trying to get better. But I just don’t put in the effort.

I think the only reason lesson teacher decided to have me audition for All-State is to laugh at me when I fail. Let’s face it. She has favorites. And it’s obvious. I’m one of them. Although I think the reason she sat me so low and putting me in the better room is because of what happened at the end of last year. I was in the locker room (musical) during the awards ceremony instead of my teacher’s room watching Iron Man. 2 I think. She saw us and sent us back. I left, but appearently he put up a big scene. One of the reason’s we broke up; he’s just so damn immature. She’s probably getting back at me for it. And then when I was going to play at Camp Good Days with a couple other students over the summer that she does every year, I couldn’t because something came up. No biggie. A bunch of others went. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Trust me. I had already told her I was already committed to something, but if it was postponed, I would totally be there. She always shrowds me in compliments, but she sat me second to last. I have proven several times over that I’m better than five people who sit above me. I don’t want to ask her why she did that because she may take it the wrong way, but really? What. The. Fuck. I want to demand she tells me why. I want to know. But I won’t. Because that’s not who I am. As much as I would like to disagree. I’m the sweet, loyal, happy person who is respectful and knows her place. My band teacher told me yesterday he thinks it would be a great opportunity for me when I talked with him. Get that? He doesn’t think I can do it. Nobody does.

Sometimes I wonder why I still play the flute. It’s when a difficult part is mastered I discover the reason. The joy it tends to bring me. Sometimes. I guess mostly because it’s expected of me. To be the best since the first two children in the family screwed up. Since there’s nothing else I can do. Since there’s nothing else to do.